Blessed are those who mourn...Matt. 5

I feel like mourning. I am tired of my family and heart being attacked. It makes me grieve. That sounds so vague, not like the weight of the sorrow I actually feel.

I don't know what is going on - last summer, everything was right, I can't even explain how wonderful it was. This summer, everything is just wrong.

I want my family to be ok. I want my brother to be happy again. I want my Dad to not have to work so hard without losing his job. I want to stop wasting his hard-earned money and feeling like a financial burden. I'm trying to save his money as well as my own, but I still seem to spend more than I should. I want a job. I want to be able to be used in my church. I want people to realize that we all mess up sometimes but that good people still exist and still care for others. I want my friend to care with me. (I love you Kim, Lauren, Jen, for not deserting me, even in the midst of your own awful crap). I want to serve someone else. I want to have a quiet and gentle spirit. I want to stop hurting and I don't want to be confused any longer.

I want some clear direction.

I feel so lonely and left out in the cold. I can't manage to show anyone how much I love them and I can't seem to stop feeling like I am a burden. I'm so stuck, and I can't seem to get much right.

Run to me whenever you're lonely, run to me if you need a shoulder...

And in those time that you want someone, anyone, the most,someone to be there for you, that is when God says "I am the only one who can and will always be there, lean on my everlasting arms."

Lord thank you that I have never been raped or molested, that my parents love me more than anything, that I have a good family, that I have some loyal and loving friends, and for all the material blessings you have given as well. Please forgive me for being ungrateful, unkind, and impatient. Help me to focus on my blessings instead of my worries.

Blue

There are so many things crammed, shoved, jammed, packed in, exploding out of that one little four-lettered word.

It's amazing what that little word can sum up. Even mental disorders such as depression, etc.

Years of pain, hours of fear, months of extreme emotional weight, nights of rip-your-heart-out sobbing, frustration, confusion, sorrow, the past, the present, the future.

It's kinda amazing.

Lauren, words can't express babe, and I'll never be able to thank you enough -  you have and continue to be God's tool for keeping me alive and hoping and straightening me out and in one piece.

The window is dirty....

and I can't see the moon or the stars....

You don't need to read this. It's not important.

so

I am going to be awake for a bit - caffiene after 8 does horrible things to my sleep patterns.

So I'm awake, moody, strung out from stress about school but can't focus enough to read the 7 books I have left to finish before the end of the semester, listening to old music that makes me feel good, and I feel like I should be doing something productive, creating beauty, or expounding my profound thoughts.

However...

Most of my musings at this point would just make people mad, or feel bad.

honestly, I'm almost to the point of mellow where I just don't give a flip anymore - how can I feel easygoing toward the world while being stressed beyond belief and cranky towards nearly everyone? I don't really get it.

I just wanna take off to the mountains with my music, my thoughts, and chill.

........

........

Hm. it's interesting all the different ppl that are involved in me. I'm never quite sure who I am because I am so many different interests. One day I want to be a chilled-out hippie, one day I want to wear all black and be scary, one day I want to dress nice and be professional...good grief I am confusing. I remember when I used to try to figure out who I was...that was funny. I finally realized that if I didn't get me there was no way anyone else would, but God made me that way and He got it, so I'm good with that.

I remember being a 4 year old, that was a good time, before the world showed up, playing in the dirt in the back yard,

There are so many things I want to do and be, but I know I can't because that's not me, and it just doesn't work that way.

My brother breaks my heart. I love him.

My last 2 poems still make me cry. I still hate to cry, but I know how to now.

I hate weddings.

I've tasted the unfathomable love of my Jesus and I want more.

It seems a tragedy that here at school where you would think it would be easier to have a full relationship with God is the place that seems to leave me no time to focus on Him.

I hate guns. I didn't used to have a problem with them, but now I never want a gun in my house.

I love it when little kids laugh.

I miss my church and my family.

I miss sitting down with one or two friends and just chilling and talking.

I wish we could go back to the time where men were gentlemen, women were ladies, and people tried to protect each other. When people didn't joke about perverted things, at least in polite company.

I miss real wood fireplaces.

I love the fall season.

I love hugs. and climbing trees. and playing the piano. and singing.

Down deep I just want to be cherished.

I love helping people out and making them laugh and smile.

I like to daydream.

I like melancholy songs, they make me feel happy because they are beautiful.

I wish I could talk to someone about last year. It was so bad.

This past summer was so good.

I love wrapping up in a blanket.

I love walking in the rain....when it's not too cold outside.

I wish I were more loving.

I hate it when my friends get drunk. I also hate it when people cuss.

I laugh too loud.

Color is amazing.

I'm glad I am still thrilled by simple things.

Yellow smiley faces are one of the best inventions ever. :)

Ok....enough spilling my guts to the internet.

goodnight.

shut up mind, just shut up.